“As Kai be saying, we be living in a world of mind flayers, but floating water?” Kildo snorted as he placed his hands on his hip at the image before him. After resting in the Oni room, after pulling its body into the hallway, the party headed north past the inverted ziggurat to explore the rest of the western section of White Plume Mountain. In a large rectangular room, in the northern section, a stream of water was suspended in mid-air about a foot. The water was about three feet wide and deep and traveled east to west through a tunnel about six feet in diameter. Periodically, fish without any eyes swam through the stream. Bending down, he waived his hand underneath but found only air. Touching the water, it was wet, and no invisible barrier containing the water. Glancing over his shoulder were six wooden kayaks, which could fit two people each. The rest of the group was pondering the situation too. They were as baffled as he was at the scene.
“Oi, triton. Ye can be talking to these fishes ain’t ye? Be seeing if there be any predators in these waters?” Kildo asked.
“I can’t talk to them, but I can communicate simple ideas.” Moving towards and bent the knee in front of the flowing water, Kai touched his temple and closed his eyes. One of the fishes stopped and turned to face the triton. After a few moments, he opened his eyes. “She said she hasn’t seen any predators.”
“The fish be blind. Of course, it can’t be seeing any predators,” Kildo snapped.
“I said simple ideas.”
“Then how about putting one of them canoes in the water and be seeing if it comes back around,” Kildo said.
Guo Gan picked up one of the wooden kayaks. “Not a bad idea.” Easily lifting it, he centered it on the water and let it go. The current took it and it went through the tunnel in the north. In about a minute, it returned back around. It seemed like the same canoe.
Kai stopped the boat from proceeding through another trip. “How do we know it’s the same boat?”
“Write something on it,” Guo Gan said.
Taking out a long piece of chalk from his hat of holding, Kildo handed it to Kai.
Scribbling on the top of the kayak, Kai stepped back to let the other see. Written were the words. ‘If you need to be rescued, jump in.’ The paladin then added a smiley face before letting it go. Another minute passed and the canoe returned. The writing remained.
“While it looks safe to take the kayaks, there might be blades along the route at yay high,” Guo Gan said using his hand to motion to neck level.
Gulping at the possible trap, Kildo said, “Well, we all be a party of aqua men and can be breathing underwater. I say we all travel in the water.”
“Char! Char!”
“Charmander won’t go in the water,” Scomatch translated as he patted his fire-lizard familiar on his shoulder.
Pointing to the canoe, Kai said, “Put him in and we can bring him with us.”
The suggestion was accepted. As Scomatch placed Charmander in, Kai let it go. The triton then jumped in the water. Guo Gan pulled his cloak of the Mantra Ray up and dove in. Scomatch place his Necklace of Water breathing on, which was retrieved from the Black Earth Cult’s portal room treasure chest. With a running start, the halfling cannonballed into the river and was swept down the tunnel.
Pulling down a respirator from the top of his Helm of Water Breathing, Kildo touched the water. It was cold. Sticking his hand in further, still cold. Seeing the other party members pulled by the water’s current, he cursed as he tried to climb in. He immediately went under. The water bit, but after a moment he became he adjusted. He too was pulled. After a moment, the gait was nice, like a lazy river. He enjoyed the nearly weightless sensation.
The muffled sounds of splashing were ahead. Kildo felt the disturbance of something enter in the water. Something brushed up against him. It was course like rope. It was then all around him. Pulled tight. It was a net. Massive strength yanked him from the river. He landed hard as he was thrown to the stone floor. He could see other forms struggling caught in a similar net. There were in a large room where creatures had made a lair. Spare and old wooden furniture, barrels, some tipped over and empty, while others upright, and make-shift beds were along the far wall. Pushing up his respirator on his Helm of Breathing, there were seven bugbears. Dressed in hide armor with metal, spiked shoulder pads, each had tokens of prior victims, mainly dull-yellow skulls tied together by a rope around their waists. They were dragging nets and kicking at their contents on the north side of the floating stream. A human dressed in a bear’s pelt and fur boots barked orders to the bugbears. It was the last member of the Bear Brigade. He hadn’t been eaten. He had joined them. He grinned with blackened and yellow teeth at the party’s predicament. Pointing with his great sword, he was bald with a black ponytail. On the south side of the floating river was a dwarf. Shirtless and heavily muscled with an orange bandana holding back his hair, which was more grey than black. Wearing thick boots and a heavy kilt, he watched intently as his troop pulled the latest from the magical stream. There was a large cauldron over a fire with steam rising. The dwarf licked his lips as he dumped a large sack of rice and seaweed into the boiling water.
“Ere we go, ere we go, ere we go! We ain’t be din’n on blind fish tonight, Boyz!” shouted one of the bugbears. The others laughed sinisterly.
Struggling against the net, Kildo was bound tight. Every fiber of his being wanted to be free, like being in the coils of a snake. However, the harder he thrashed, the tighter the bugbears pulled on the rope. He heard a snapping sound. To the southwest of him, the taught net broke. Guo Gan was birthed from the restriction, dagger in his hands.
“Dey are escap’n!” shouted a bugbear. Dropping the ropes holding the nets they charged Guo Gan swinging morning stars. Slapping the first weapon away with his bare hands, the monk weaved and dodge. Jumping from one side of an opponent to the other, he dove into a roll and sprung instantly to his feet avoiding all of their attacks.
To the northwest, Kai ripped through the frayed netting with the help of the trident Wave. “I’m the dread pirate captain Kai and my wrath is as massive and treacherous as the sea. You made a terrible error!”
Spitting to the ground, the dwarf on the south side of the river, pulled a great sword from his back and slightly ducked under the floating water, he narrowed in on Kai. “I be Captain Spite. Ye be a captain and I be a captain. It be only be fitting that I be killing ye lad.”
Leveling Wave at the dwarf, Kai said, “Captain Spite? There’s a ten-year-old bounty on your head.”
Chuckling and smiling in delight, Spite said, “Aye, what it be fer? Robbery, raiding, pillaging, numerous murders, piracy on the high seas, or just general skullduggery?”
“Tax evasion.”
Gnashing and grinding his teeth, Captain Spite’s face went dour. Wringing his hands around his great sword he whirled it above his head bringing it down in a bashing attack. Kai threw up Wave. The blade bashed through the parry and into the paladin’s breastplate armor.
“Captain!” the human pirate came to the aid of Spite. He also swung his great sword. Kai pivoted to the right, as the blade cut where the triton was a moment before.
Pushing Spite away, Kai thrust with Wave. The dwarf dodged the blow. Lunging again, one of the prongs struck the pirate captain in the leg. Bring the end of the trident around, it sailed over the dwarf’s head.
“Ha, that all ye got fish boy?!”
As the bugbear left Kildo in the net to engage the others, he began casting; spirit guardians. A low, rhythmic pulsing began to emanate from the ground. A white light came from cracks in the stone. Fog rolled out approximately 15’ feet from the cleric. Small fey wisps of air arched out. Longer tendrils began to form. In the cover of the fog from his spell, the form of Guo Gan emerged dagger in hand. The monk grabbed the netting and sliced it. Cutting the length, it fell away.
A thunderous boom resounded in the immediate area of Scomatch, as he cast, Thunder Step. Four of the bugbears, as well as Captain Sprite and the human pirate, were affected by the force of the blast. A moment later, the halfling appeared on the south side of the river next to Charmander.
As they began to recover, whisps of radiant energy from Kildo’s spiritual guardians blasted into each bugbear, as well as the dwarf and human pirate. They all reeled from the magical attacks.
“Arg! Be taking out that caster ya scurvy dogs!” Captain Spite bellowed, as his great sword swiped harmlessly through a spirit guardian tendril.
Three bugbears closest to Guo Gan were too hotly engaged with the monk. They swung with their morning stars. Attempting to swat away or dodge the blows, the monk was clipped on the shoulder and arm.
A fourth bugbear charged Kai’s back and smashed his morning star. Engaged by both the dwarf and human pirate, the weapon snuck through the paladin’s defenses. His metal armor absorbed most of the blow’s impact.
“No, don’t be chasing the halfling caster, ye overgrown walking carpets! Be engaging that dwarf cleric!” Captain Spite roared, as a couple of bugbears began to advance on Scomatch. The pirate dwarf then sliced his great sword harmlessly through one of Kildo’s spirit guardians. With no effect on the magical spell, and almost as an afterthought, he slashed with his great sword at Kai, missing by at least a foot.
Kildo cursed to himself hearing Captain Sprite’s orders. They finally realized he was likely one of the greatest threats on the battlefield. A mound of fur, muscle, and metal barreled down on him. Four morning stars came at different angles. Throwing up his shield, he managed to block the first attack but was instantly struck on the right arm by another. Pulling his body in tight, he interposed his kite shield between himself and two more strikes. It was then when the great sword of the human pirate come crashing down. Throwing up his war hammer, the blade struck and then went through into Kildo’s shoulder. It went numb from the impact, which helped mask the pain, as he maintained concentration on his spirit guardians. He knew he had to keep the spell going. Every second the bugbears and pirates stayed close to him the more time the spirit guardians had to inflict more radiant damage. Determining a good offense is a good defense, he turtled up and kept his shield between himself and his opponents.
Attempting to gain some breathing room, Guo Gan thrust with his spear. It struck but bounced off a bugbear’s thick and spiked shoulder armor. Lunging again, it also was deflected by the creature’s protection. Growling in anger, the monk unleashed a bone-crunching kick of incredible power. The bugbear was struck in the throat. Dropping its morning star, it grasped at its larynx. Dropping to its knees, it fell over dead.
Encouraged by the victory, Kai unleashed Wave at Captain Spite. The trident lashed forward with incredible swiftness and power. The prong struck the dwarf captain’s bare chest before the weapon was batted away. Lunging again, it struck the pirate’s left leg. Then bringing the butt end, it smashed into the dwarf’s jaw. Taken back by the attack, the dwarf spat blood. A knocked-out tooth ‘clinked’ across the floor.
The pirates and bugbears readied themselves for a counterattack when the room became fire. A massive fireball detonated, cast by Scomatch. Sculpted around the party, five of the bugbears screamed in unbridled pain a moment before their bodies became charred cinders. The stench of burnt hair flooded the room. The remaining survivors, one bugbear, the human pirate, and Captain Spite, used the floating stream as cover. It protected them from half of the blast but were still badly scorched.
Recovering from the fireball, Captain Spite spat at the halfling on the other side of the room. The dwarf turned his gaze at Kildo as the closest target. As the pirate advance, Kildo threw up his shield, as Spite hacked with his great sword. The blows were knocked to the side.
“I be taking this cleric! Ye lot take out that halfling…” Captain Spite’s voice trailed off as he saw the spiritual guardian wisps blast holes into the remaining bugbear and human pirate. Their radiant damage tendrils burned off the faces of the last of his crew. “Ye not be taking down Captain Spite so easily!” The dwarf then jumped into the floating stream. Its current washed him south.
“Scomach, he’s getting away! Throw something! How many darts do you have!” Guo Gan yelled running alongside the stream after Captain Spite.
“Zero!”
Snorting, Guo Gan said, “That’s the correct number!” The elf thrust his spear into the swimming dwarf missing with his first attack but grazed him with a second. The monk then tried to sidekick him out of the stream. While hitting, the water absorbed the brunt of the impact.
There was a splash as Kai dove in. Using his natural triton ability, his form raced through the water. Wave leading the way. The trident skewered Captain Spite, like spearing a fish. Pushing the dwarven pirate out of the water, his body bled profusely in a grouping of three.
The party began to examine the corpses. All were wearing the same woven necklace, as the other inhabitants in the funhouse. There was no magic or anything of value in the room.
Kai examined the same make of the braids. “I think someone is tricking these creatures to come down here and populate this place.”
“What are you doing?” Kildo asked Guo Gan. The group looked up as the elven monk was dragging the body of Captain Spite to the kayak used by Charmander.
“There’s a ten-year-old bounty on his head and I mean to collect.”
“The pirate code states that we should leave them here,” Kai informed.
“Nope, I’m collecting the bounty.”
Seeing the effort Guo Gan was putting into bringing the corpse of Captain Spite, the group left the monk to his grisly work. The monk dragged or pulled the corpse-laden kayak with him, depending if the area was flooded. Sloshing through the foot-deep water, the party eventually made their way back to the three-way intersection with the Sphinx.
“Answer this riddle or you will never…Oh, you are still here. Which direction do you want to go?”
Kai glanced over his shoulder at Guo Gan with the kayak. The legs and boots of Captain Spite hung out of the canoe’s opening. “Can we leave this corpse here?”
“I’m not watching a corpse.”
“I mean, if we leave it here, will it still be here?”
“Yes, until the janitor comes,” the Sphinx informed.
“Can you tell him not to touch it?”
“I can tell him that you said not to touch it.”
“That’ll have to do,” Kai stated as he brushed his hands of the situation.
Pulling the kayak over and pushing it onto a dry piece of rock which the sphinx sat, Guo Gan asked, “Is everyone here brainwashed and forced to stay here?”
The sphinx tilted her head and stared at the monk.
“We found these woven necklaces on the inhabitants. If we remove them from a living person, would they be free?”
Kildo scanned the sphinx. There were large layers of fur and if she was wearing a similar woven necklace it was well hidden.
The sphinx continued to stare.
“Would you mind if I check you for-”
Interrupting the approaching monk the sphinx snapped, “No touching!”
“Apologies.” Guo Gan backed up a few steps. “So, if you had an itch, where would it be?” No response. “Blink if you want to be free?”
“Which direction do you want to go,” the sphinx asked in a flat tone.
“East. To the right,” Kai answered.
As the sphinx moved, Kildo followed Kai down the waterlogged passageway. The floor and ceiling were covered in green algae. The bottom was also slicker than the other passageways even though they too were submerged in water. A bright azure mist began to seep from the ground ahead of them. It churned and formed into a humanoid-like figure. It wasn’t solid, but more ghost-like. It was the same manifestation at the hatch into this funhouse. It darted ahead of them and around a corner, but looked back for a moment like it wanted the party to follow it.
“Get her!” Kai bellowed.
Sloshing through the water after the paladin, Kildo felt something was wrong with his boots. They seemed to be falling apart as he felt his socks and feet get wet. A moment later, the bottom of his feet burned intently. “There’s something in the water!” He then saw Kai hop up and down. He too was feeling the same effect. The triton dashed forward. Not knowing the length of the corridor, he turned back towards Guo Gan and Scomatch, who had stopped at his warning. The three retreated back to the sphinx. It hurt to walk. Glancing down, they were covered in slime, green slime.
“Charmander! Be getting over here!” Kildo bellowed.
“Char, Char?!” Scomatch’s flame lizard familiar retreated from him.
“I need fire!”
Flame sprung in Scomatch’s hands. Kildo dropped to his derriere. The mage began to rub the dwarf’s feet. The green slime wilted and turned to ash in the halfling’s hands. Kai came running back down the corridor screaming in pain. “Green slime! Green slime! Green slime!” His feet were also covered in the ooze.
“Kai! Over here! Scomatch, be giving out fiery foot massages. He’s got his technique down and everything. No tickling or nothing.” As Scomatch burned away the green slime from Kai’s webbed feet and toes, Kildo examined his boots. The soles of the bottom were eaten away. They were useless. Glancing at the hairy halfling feet of Scomatch he didn’t relish the thought of walking around in brackish water where green slime or other unsavory things might dwell. He then noticed the legs of Captain Spite sticking out of the kayak, but more specifically his boots. They were brown, knee length, and while worn they were still in good shape. Their laces were along the back. He undid them and pulled them off. After checking the size and trying them on, they were a good fit.
Watching Kildo lace up the boot, Scomatch commented, “You’re literally wearing a dead man’s shoes.”
“No, a dwarves.”
Shrugging in acknowledgment, Scomatch began casting fire bolt after fire bolt into the corridor ahead burning the green slime under the water. After some semblance that there was no further contamination, the party continued eastwards down the right corridor. Prodding in the foot-deep water with his spear, Guo Gan led the group coming to an intersection heading north or south. Each direction looked the same with no distinguishing features.
“South,” Kai said.
Traveling a little way, the passageway ended in a short set of steps out of the water to a swollen, large oak door. While difficult to open, it revealed a medium-sized room with nine colored glass balls hanging two feet down from the ceiling. They studied the room for about a minute when the oak door slammed shut in their faces.
Taken aback, Kai pushed against the heavy door. It opened and revealed the same nine, colored balls. “Let’s put a pin in this one and try the northern passageway.”
Shaking their heads in agreement, the group backtracked and headed up the northern hallway. After a bit of walking, they came to another short flight of steps out of the water into another door. Unlocked, Kai kicked the door open, which led to a small room. Against the fall wall stood five humanoid figures. They didn’t appear alive, or undead. They were a jigsaw puzzle of body parts of several different creatures, as their sizes didn’t match. The parts were all stitched and bolted into a new and gruesome humanoid form. They were bigger than a living man, at least 8 feet tall. A tattered pair of trousers covered their modesty. There was a slight, sweet smell of decay. These were flesh golems. Each had a single, gruesome number tattooed across their chest; 5, 7, 9, 11, and 13. They didn’t attack, but the golem with the number 5, stepped forward. In a hoarse, raspy voice, it said, “One of us does not belong with the others. If you pick the right one, they will serve you and the others will let you pass. If you pick the wrong one, we will kill you. You have one minute and one guess.”
Kai began, “Scomatch, do you have any idea-”
“Nine,” Guo Gan called out. “The answer is nine. Nine isn’t a prime number.”
“What be a prime number?” Kildo questioned scratching his beard.
“Correct,” came the raspy voice. Then the flesh golem with the ‘9’ across its chest rose and stepped forward towards the party and stopped.
“Very well. It looks like we have a new companion,” Kai said studying the golem.
Guo Gan asked the creature, “Hello Nine.”
“Arg,” the flesh golem spoke with a hoarse raspy voice.
“Do you know who Ahotep is?”
“Arg.”
“Great talk.”
Heading north out of the flesh golem room there was a set of stone stairs. There were about to turn a corner when Kildo noted the flesh golem wasn’t following. It was staring at them. “Well, come on 9 of 5. We ain’t be having all day, ya silly creature.”
At the command, the flesh golem began to follow. Around the bend ahead of them was a metal turn-style built into the corridor. From its design, it seemed it would only turn one way. A one-way exit from Keraptis’ Fun House.
“Well, if we are going to do the globe room, we better do it before we leave,” Guo Gan said.
Nodding in agreement, the party headed back south and were soon standing in front of the large, water-logged door holding the globe room beyond. Prying it open, the room remained unchanged. Nine colored glass orbs hung two feet down from the ceiling. They studied the room for about a minute when the oak door slammed shut in their faces. Pushing it back open, Scomatch set one foot in and then another. Not seeing any reaction, he ran around the room with Charmander. The halfling jumped once at one point swiping with his hand, but he was too short to reach the globes.
The door slammed shut, again with Scomatch and Charmander inside.
Kai and Guo Gan pushed open the door with a much-relieved halfling inside.
Studying the room, Kai said, “Alright, Guo Gan and I will go in. The rest stay outside and ensure the door stays open. We’ll start breaking the globes to see what’s inside.”
Kildo watched as the paladin and monk moved to the middle of the room. Using Wave, he thrust breaking the middle globe with a light blue color. Something was within and fell, but before he could see anything the water-logged door slammed shut with Kai and Guo Gan inside. Sighing, he pushed against the door, but it didn’t budge. Putting his shoulder into it, the solid door remained tightly shut. “Scomatch help me.” The dwarf and halfling both used their strength, but it held. “Mage, be using yer magic to open the door.”
“Those are baby spells. I don’t have baby spells.”
Waiving off Scomatch, Kildo turned to the flesh golem. “Oi, 9 of 5, be breaking down that door!”
“Arg.” the flesh golem spoke then began to slam its massive fists over and over into the solid door. While the blows were powerful, they didn’t seem to be affecting it in any meaningful way. “Bah! Away with ye!” As 9 of 5 moved, Kildo pressed his ear to the door. He heard the muffled sound of glass breaking.
“What do you hear dwarf?” Scomatch asked.
“Just breaking glass. They must be going around the room smashing them orbs. Wait…”
From beyond the door, there were muffled shouts from Kai and Guo Gan. It was hard to make out everything they were saying, but Kildo caught snippets of their muted conversations.
“…wet stone. Moving…grey ooze…”
The sounds of fierce combat were heard beyond. Kildo continued to push against the door, but it remained shut. “Scomatch fireball this mother f-” Kildo was interrupted by an audible ‘click’. The door swung open easily. Kai stood with a metal key in his hands.
“The nine hells it be good seeing ye.”
Kai nodded. “There’s treasure within the globes, but also danger too. There are several more to go. Be cautious.”
Kai, Guo Gan, and this time Kildo went into the globe room. Scomatch, Charmander, and the flesh golem 9 of 5 stayed outside.
After a minute, the door slammed shut. Kai used a key to unlock and open the door. The triton then readied Wave and thrust the trident at an orange-colored glove. Shattering it, it rained coins, and a similar key Kai was holding. Also slinking out at first appeared to be just shadows, but they moved. Three of them. All incorporeal, they would have been hard to see if it wasn’t for the light coming off of Charmander. They move with speed and purpose and shattered three more globes. More coins, keys, and creatures fell.
A blob of what appeared to be wet stone or clay dropped and then began to slither towards them using pseudopods to strike out, gripping the floor to pull its bulk. The grey oozed lashed out. It’s clay-like pseudopod wrapped around Guo Gan’s leg. It began to sizzle from the creature’s acid. Kai reacted and thrust Wave into the ooze’s mass.
By the door, a funneling cloud of whirling wind with a vague semblance of a ghost-like face made up of debris of coins, broken shards of glass, and the occasional key. An air elemental was forming. The sound it generated was deafening and it was not pleased. The shards whipped around and slashed into Kai and Kildo. Streaks of blood trickled down from across their body where their skin was exposed.
The room erupted in fire, as Scomatch cast fireball. All the creatures were engulfed as the flames were sculpted around the party. For a moment, the air elemental appeared as a vortex of fire as the flames were pulled in and quickly extinguished.
A low, rhythmic pulsing began to emanate from the ground. A white light came from cracks in the stone. Fog rolled out approximately 15’ feet from Kildo, as he cast, Spirit Guardians. Small fey wisps of air arched out. Longer tendrils began to form, as fog rolled out from the cleric.
Scomatch’s fireball acted like a kiln, as the grey ooze’s bulk became clay-like.
“Whoooo- Whaaaaaa!” Guo Gan flew into the air and smashed his entire body weight into the creature. The dried-out ooze shattered into a thousand pieces.
“9 of 5! Get in here and attack the air elemental!” Kai shouted over its thunderous sound, as he thrust Wave into the swirling mass.
The flesh golem moved into the room and began to smash its massive hands into the air elemental. Cuts appeared along its arms, but it seemed immune to the pain.
The tendrils from Kildo’s spirit guardians blasted into the three shadows. The radiant damage destroyed the undead creatures’ forms, as well as tore apart the mass of the air elemental. The winds died, as it did.
As the party recovered, there was one last orb in the room. The group surrounded it and readied their weapon. A quick thrust from Wave shattered the sphere. A potion, a key, and a silver ring dropped, which glowed slightly.
Guo Gan leaped, rolled to the ground, sprang up, and caught the potion before it could shatter.
Ignoring the monk’s incredible feat of dexterity, Scomatch retrieved the ring. As it picked it up, the ring spoke.
“Stop before you put me on. I confer the following powers upon my wearer: invisibility, haste, immunity to charms, fly once per day, detect magic, and one wish. I also provide the benefits of protection and spell turning. The only drawback is that once a year I permanently eat a small part of your life. I must be worn before I can leave this room; merely carrying me away is not possible. If ever I am removed from my wearer’s finger, however, all my powers are lost. So, you must decide right now who will wear me forever.”
The party watched wearily as Scomatch listened intently to the words the silver ring spoke and its promise of power. As it appeared he was about to put it on his finger, instead, the halfling put it on the ground and walked towards the exit of the room.
“Scomatch, I’m impressed you put it down,” Kai said.
“I’m a fire and Josh acid wizard. The ring had neither, so it’s no more use to me than baby spells.”
Globe Room:
· Coins – Wooden nickels
· Gems – Worthless shiny baubles
· Jewelry – Made of string and macaroni
· Potion – Tap water
· Silver Ring – Broken promises
Party Split:
· 9 of 5 – Flesh Golem
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