“I am Haldon the Reigar, and my Star Children and I are here to kill you in the most absolutely fabulous space battle of all times. Even though you will be dead, I will report to the Emperor of the Xaryxian Empire that you fought and died fabulously!”
(Author Note: It is highly recommended to view the following video (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tKjZuykKY1I&list=RDtKjZuykKY1I&start_radio=1) The Darkness - I believe in a Thing Called Love, to get flavor context in the write-up below).
“What in the nine hells be this,” Kildo said as he looked at a spelljammer in the shape of a colossal squid. This Haldon the Reigar was a tall, skinny human with long, curly hair. The ends were a reddish pink. An elaborate, decorative white flower-themed tiara held back a mop of hair. He wore a one-piece, long-sleeved, white jump-suit with a silver flame-like pattern motif. Androgynous, he was male as he unzipped this outfit’s front down to just above his groin’s hairline, which was neatly shaven clean. Holding a golden trident like a microphone, it was also off-putting that besides displaying a mouthful of crooked and misshaped teeth, he sang his dialogue and strutted fabulously across the squid’s head.
Knowing Haldon the Reigar and his Star Children would need to come to them. Kildo wanted to establish the front line. He cast, Guardian of Faith. A towering spectral protector in the form of a dwarf appeared on the Space Dragon’s deck. The manifestation wielded a war hammer and shield with the blazing ankh symbol of Rigga, the Earthmother.
Leaping into the air with his golden trident, he glided fabulously across from the squid spelljammer, leaving a trail of golden glitter behind him as he sang, “Star Children, to glory!”
Haldon the Reigar landed on the deck of the Space Dragon in a superhero fashion, feet wide apart. He supported his weight with his fist, smashing into the floor, while his other hand was out with his weapon away from his body, pointing diagonally upwards. He lunged with his golden trident but missed as Kildo’s guardian smashed his spectral war hammer into him. Kai’s trident, Wave, followed the attack as it struck the singer, who cried out in a higher octave.
Not wanting to miss out on the fabulous space battle, Guo Gan bashed with Qiekamis. His quarterstaff came under and smashed into Haldon the Reigar’s groin. The songster’s face went red, and his body stiffened, stunned by the attack.
The giant squid’s massive tentacles lashed out and attempted to snatch Kai and Guo Gan. The combatants were too close to Haldon the Reigar, and the appendages couldn’t latch on. However, its form began to glow with a fantastic array of colors. A lightning bolt suddenly shot out from the spelljammer and struck Scomatch.
Recovering from the blast, Scomatch grumbled, “I’m going to kill that giant spaceworm.” The halfling began casting, and a massive wall of fire sprang up across the squid between Star Children and the Space Dragon. “Charmander! Make yourself useful! Go attack that pretty boy!”
“Char!” Charmander chirped excitedly. The Pokémon picked up a rock and threw it. Hitting, it bounced harmlessly off the performer’s chest.
“You are a useless familiar,” Scomatch said, shaking his head in utter disappointment.
“Char…” Charmander chirped less excitedly and sulked away.
“We believe in a thing called love!” came a chorus of eight voices as the Star Children sailed through Scomatch’s fire wall. Like a rainbow, they left an arching trail of burning glitter as they landed on the Space Dragon.
Kildo’s Guardian of Faith swiped, striking the Star Children with its spectral war hammer, and then burst in a fountain of sparks. Its’ energy spent.
Wielding a plucked stringed instrument with six strings, their weapons had a fretted fingerboard and a soundbox with a pronounced waist. Bashing their guitars, Kai and Kildo were struck. Burning glitter stung their exposed skin. Kildo could feel the sparkles working its way under his armor.
“Touching you! Touching me!” two of the Star Children sang in the chorus as purple lighting came out the ends of their guitars, striking Scomatch.
“Life is death. Death is rebirth. Rebirth is life, and life is fabulous!” Kildo chanted as he cast Bless. The party members glowed briefly as they were buffed.
Thrusting with Wave, the trident’s prongs glowed with Kildo’s bless spell as they sunk into the first Star Child. He bellowed in song form, “Touching you, you’re touching me!” He then erupted in golden glitter. Spitting sparkling dust from his mouth, the paladin turned on the second Star Child in a thin, white, long-sleeved shirt and pants and bashed him with the end of Wave.
Sweeping his leg, glowing from Kildo’s bless spell, Guo Gun knocked the still-stunned Haldon the Reigar to the deck. The monk’s blood-fury tattoos ignited, absorbing some of his fabulous energy.
The giant squid’s spelljammer, blinded by the wall of fire, missed as its tentacles lashed out at Kai and Kildo. The gigantic ship moved and emerged over the flaming barrier. As before, its form began to glow with an amazing array of colors. A lightning bolt shot out from the spelljammer and struck Scomatch.
“I’ll get back to you Squidward in a moment!” Scomatch called out after the shocking attack. Casting, Freezing Sphere, the seven skinny Star Children were all momentarily covered in a thin layer of ice. However, the second star child with the white ensemble was the focus and encompassed in a block of ice. He burst into glitter within the cube.
“We believe in a thing called love!” The Star children sang as they bashed their guitars at Kildo. His plate mail continued to protect him from the blows cracking bones, but each sprayed him with burning glitter. It was everywhere. As the material reached and stung his nether regions, the dwarf howled and lost concentration on his Bless spell.
“Rigga aid us,” Kildo prayed. Channeling divinity, healing energy coursed through Scomatch regenerating the wounds from the lightning blasts, as well as a bit for himself.
Thrusting with Wave, Kai impaled the third Star Child. The paladin was rewarded as ninety-five pounds of glitter burst around him.
In blinding speed, Guo Gan struck Haldon the Reigar’s chest, rapidly striking around its heart four times. The monk then hit in the center and twisted. The songster's heart stopped. Haldon the Reigar looked up at Guo Gan. “You know the sacred five-point palm exploding heart technique? Fabulous.” He gave a thumbs-up and crumpled to the deck without exploding in glitter.
The spelljammer squid lashed out with its tentacles as they nearly struck Kildo and Guo Gan. Kildo saw that one of the creature’s eyes was severely burned by Scomatch’s wall of fire. Not forgetting the pain the halfling had caused it, its form continued to glow with a fantastic array of colors. A lightning bolt suddenly shot out from the spelljammer and struck the mage.
Recovering from another lightning blast, Scomatch cast, Shatter. The halfling radiated out an ear-piercing screech, like electrical feedback. Four Star Children began to convulse, and they grabbed their ears. A moment later, each burst into glitter.
Only one Star Child remained, even though he was in the affected area of the shatter spell. He was slightly different from the others. He wore a somewhat darker, long-sleeved shirt with black pants. Instead of bell-bottom pants covering shoes, like the others, he wore leather boots. Around his forehead was a black bandana that draped down his front. Unlike the others, he had a gaudy stache and, more importantly, earplugs.
Kildo began casting Toll the Dead. Dolorous bells resounded around the last Star Child’s head, but the effects were ignored as the earplugs kept him safe.
Spinning his quarterstaff, Guo Gan moved in to finish off the last border
The Star Child sang, “We’ll be rocking ‘til the sun goes down. Do you believe in a thing called love?”
“I believe in a thing called Qiekamis,” Guo Gan replied as he swiped with his quarterstaff. The Start Child burst into a shower of golden glitter.
“Now, you have my full attention,” Scomatch called out as a massive fireball arched out and exploded into the spelljammer squid’s body. Reeling in pain, its tentacles lashed out wildly. An appendage barely missed Kildo, but another twirled around Guo Gan and began squeezing. Another bolt of multi-colored lightning from the ship struck the halfling.
As Kildo saw the space-squid begin to pull Guo Gan up, thoughts of the monk being flung into the oblivion of space raced through the dwarf’s head. If that happened, they might not be able to find him again. Channeling holy righteousness, a vertical column of divine fire roared from the heavens. It blasted a ten-foot radius through the squid’s middle. The spelljammer shook violently as tons of golden glitter burst out in all directions, covering the deck of the Space Dragon with several inches of the sparkly material.
“Ugh, it’s going to take weeks to get this stripper-level of glitter swept up,” Guo Gan said.
“We need a power washer. Maybe a water elemental might work,” Scomatch said.
Kildo snored as some of the shimmering material blew out his nose. Kicking through it, he made his way to the body of Haldon the Reigar. Bending down, even close up, it wasn’t easy to determine if the flamboyant human was male. Even in death, Haldon the Reigar went out in a fabulous manner, as his extra-long and freakish thumb gave a thumb’s up. He rose and wondered how in the nine hells they would clean up all this golden…
A hatch door flung open, and Odium burst out and yelled accusatorily, “See, this is how a cleric of Rigga acts and behaves when no one is looking!”
Kildo and the rest of the party turned at the tiefling’s entrance. The majority of the crew trailed out behind Odium.
“Yes, Kildo called down divine power to heal Scomatch and destroy the giant squid spelljammer,” Kai explained.
The tiefling seemed to re-assess the situation and then announced with positive and great fanfare, “Yes, he acts in a very heroic manner!”
The crew cheered the command staff.
Grumbling under his breath, Kildo eyed the tiefling suspiciously. “Good, I’m glad ye be here Odium. Ye can start shoveling this glitter off the side of the ship…and toss the corpse why ye be at it.” He added sarcastically, “Probably only take ye a month, but by Belial’s blessing, ye might be done in a few weeks.”
***
The Space Dragon sailed on for a week, which left a long trail of glitter as the crew shoveled the material off the ship.
“There it is,” Commodore Krux announced, pointing out the window.
Peering, Kildo saw a small asteroid with dust surrounding it. A crooked tower was the most prominent feature, with a decrepit wooden peer to the side. As they grew closer, besides debris circling it, there were a lot of birds flying around. Scores of pelicans and smaller birds squawked as the ship approached. At the end of the wooden dock, two grey-like shark creatures were fighting over a recently slain pelican. In the distance, a woman sat in robes in a rocking chair. Rising, a blue jay landed and perched on her shoulder. Seeing the two land sharks fighting, a ray of fire shot from her fingertip, causing the shark creatures to flee.
Commodore Krux debarked with the rest of the party. Leading, the Giff announced, “Topola! It’s good to see you!”
Seeing Commodore Krux, she rose and came down toward the docks. She said, “Ah, my old friend. How are you doing? I see you brought some guests!”.
Krux introduced the command staff and said, “Yes, they are aiding me in my quest.”
“Aiding you, eh?” Topola said, her eyes going up in thought. Come on in. I’ll put on a pot of tea.” The astronomer motioned for the group to follow her toward her tower.
The closer Kildo got, the more concerning the structure appeared. With smaller asteroids orbiting the tower, it seemed poised to fall in on itself and leaned heavily one way and then the next for each of the three floors. It wasn’t structurally sound, and likely magic was the only thing keeping it from a full-on collapse. Entering, the first floor had row upon row of gardens and greenery growing a variety of foodstuffs. Traveling up a stairway to the second floor. It was Topolah’s living quarters with a table, chairs, a bed, and a kitchen area with a large stove. Kildo had to hold onto various items to keep from slipping as the room had a thirty-degree tilt. She went to a cupboard, retrieved and filled a teapot, and placed it on a lit stove. Another flight of stairs led to the third floor. It seemed that Topolah had a working observatory. It had charts, notes, paper, and shelves with books. There were also a large number of bird nests everywhere and their remains consisting of feathers and droppings. In the center of the room was a large, golden-colored telescope with a pelican resting at the end.
Shooing the bird away, Topolah pivoted the scope, peered through an eyepiece and asked, “Commodore Krux, what brings you to my tower?”
“I…we need to get back to the armada and understand you know a way out of this sphere,” Krux explained.
“Ah, yes. Your quest. I may be able to help,” Topolah said.
“I be expecting a but,” Kildo whispered, folding his arms to Guo Gan, who nodded.
“But, I’m having a problem that is demanding all of my attention. So, if you and your friends are able to do me a small favor, I can aid you in your endeavor,” Topolah said.
“What is that?” Guo Gan asked.
“I’m having a bit of a problem with these shark creatures, called scavvers, eating my birds. They’ve gotten a taste for it. However, I’ve been unable to shoo them away. They keep coming back and eating more of my birds. So, I’d appreciate your help if you would kill their leader, whom I call Big Momma. If she is gone, then the others will move off,” Topolah explained.
“Where be this jaws and based on her size, if we be needing a bigger boat?” Kildo asked.
Turning the telescope, she peered through. “Big Mamma floats around in space, typically north of here in a cloud of cosmic dust, where I believe she rests. Kill her, and I’ll aid you in any way I can, but be warned. Big Mamma has a voracious appetite and is a living, breathing, eating machine.”